Protect Yourself From Monsters

I don’t know how anyone could believe that monsters do not exist, and still be thrilled by monster stories. Monsters are very real, just looking at our current government should be proof enough.

• An evil dummy with an invisible ventriloquist
• Ogres behind the IM screens
• Ghouls in alleys

  
  

As I use to tell kids, the scariest hunted house in the whole wide world is the House of Representatives!

Where there is a skeleton in every closet

A monster under every legislative process

and where trolls roam free

Protect yourself this All Hallows Eve by knowing the tradition of protecting yourself against attacks.

Methods of protection vary depending on the type of monster you are dealing with. Some monsters can be scared away with a simple lawyer, whereas others can only be repelled by reciting your Constitutional rights in full and correct order. Calling the police to deal with monsters will not help because some of them are trolls disguised as police.

Below are ways to protect yourself from different types of monsters.

1) Vampires

Vampires come out only during court house hearings, courtroom legal proceedings and personal / employment accidents one minute after they happen. Depending on the type of vampire, they feed on a variety of junk food, 4 star restaurants and currency.

If you are bit by a vampire, you will either financially die or be sucked dry of the majority of your financial holdings and left to recover from your loss.

Vampires have an aversion to other vampires, garlic, and destitute economy environments. Wine rather it is good quality, bad quality or even holy wine will burn vampires, but it is not lethal to them. Vampires are already dead, so killing them is kind of an oxymoron.

You can ride yourself of a vampire in two ways: 1. Drive a quality drafted counter sue filing document through the heart when the vampire is sleeping or too enthralled in their draining of anther victim.

2. Expose the vampire to anther vampire with the imperfection of moral dedication to what is right and wrong.

2) Werewolves

Werewolves are most active during full moons and can only be repelled with cash, government assistance, cheap wine, beer or hard alcohol. If you are bit or scratched by a werewolf, you could become one, so try to stay away from them. If you fight a werewolf and the werewolf is injured or worst case scenario dies, it will revert back to its human form and this will cause you legal problems - you will be put in jail for murder and everyone will think your crazy… than you’ll turn into a werewolf. Make sure you befriend a vampire if you plan to go against one. A vampire will make up a different story for you because that is what they do.

3) Ghosts

Ghosts are spirits of people who have emotionally and or mentally died and don’t know they are dead. They’re not necessarily monsters but can be pretty scary, especially if you date one.

They come up to you and say, “GO OUT WITH ME!”. Ghosts are everywhere but you will find them mostly at bars, especially theme bars. Some can’t be seen until it’s too late. If you have a ghost in your life, they can be pretty difficult to get ride of. However, you can usually get the spirit to leave by pretending one of your friends is your new boy / girlfriend or by telling them you’re married. If that doesn’t work, try burning a smudge stick and blowing the smoke in their face.

Don’t smoke a clove cigarette, they’re attracted to the cinnamon scent. If you encounter a ghost you have never seen before, cover your eyes or put your jacket over your head. If you can’t see it, it can’t see you.

4) Boogieman

Unlike the boogieman of yesterday, boogiemen have adapted and evolved into a more modern scary. They use to just sneak in under the bed or hides in the closet, not any more! Now they have learned how to drive and hide among unsuspecting drivers on the highway and on side streets where police don’t see them or know they’re there.

The only protection against a boogieman is stay calm and ignore them. DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT engage in any communications with a boogieman; they feed on communications of all kinds but especially angry emotional communications. Boogiemen no longer say just BOO! They can physically harm you – stay away and ignore them.

5) Demons

Demons are agents of the devil himself. They usually manifest themselves by wearing 3 piece black suites that look like all the other demons. To identify a demon or someone who is possessed by a demon, look for the following characteristics:

Levitating ear pieces

Puking non emotional patterns of speech about law

Spinning their heads from side to side

Talking an alien language at a speed that would be shocking even to a car public sale auctioneer.

If someone is possessed by a demon, get a vampire with the imperfection of moral dedication to what is right and wrong. Do not attempt to perform the vampire exorcism yourself.

6) Orges

Ogres are big ugly creatures who live in dive bars or other dank places and are very mean. Occasionally an ogre will leave their foul spaces to seek the prey of unsuspecting single people; mostly women. Eradicate the ogre by assembling an angry mob of intellectuals with dictionaries, books with no pictures, and revolutionary ideas.

7) Dragons

Dragons are larger than life creatures that spit fire in the form of doomsday predictions. They are rare creatures of today but they still exist and can be seen from time to time in metropolitan cities. Do not approach a dragon. This will only challenge the dragon to battle which feeds their spit fire. Enlist the help of a professional dragon slayer. Check the Yellow Pages for listings.