Meth Addicts Demand Government Address Nation’s Growing Spider Menace

WASHINGTON, DC—Following the tragic falling death of 32-year-old methamphetamine addict Phillip Diggs, who was reportedly attacked by spiders while scaling a large construction crane near Palo Alto, CA, thousands of outraged and confused meth addicts marched frenetically on Washington as part of a week of activities urging the federal government to address the nation’s growing spider epidemic.

Harlowe pleads with senators to ask the King of America to do something about “all the goddamned spiders.”

“Something needs to be done and it needs to be done soon—these spiders are everywhere,” said Rich Harlowe, event organizer and founder of Tweakers’ Rights

The rally drew addicts from every part of the country, many traveling on foot through the night, trading sex with truck drivers for rides, or stealing their brothers-in-law’s bicycles.

A 45,000-word proposal was drafted by members of TRN during a marathon, 72-hour meeting under the Roosevelt Bridge, and presented twice to the Senate Indian Affairs Committee. The document, which includes schematics for the development of a giant “spider bomb” the size of Rhode Island, concludes repeatedly that the problem would best be combated with large quantities of methamphetamines and steel wool.

“This very morning, I saw a small child completely covered in hairy, bloodsucking, screaming tarantulas while his parents stood by and did nothing,” said protester Joe Lopez, pausing to spit out a black and decayed tooth. “I was appalled. I shouted horrible profanities and incantations at them, but they ignored me.”

Several other unnamed addicts who wandered in and out of the hearings described their efforts to establish “an open dialogue” with the spiders, but said the arachnids responded by growing dramatically in size and speaking with the voices of John Goodman, Gene Hackman, and Rosie Perez, bringing the first round of negotiations to an abrupt end.

“I believe it is our duty and responsibility to act before we lose even more Americans of voting age,” said Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D–CA), who noted that her home state had more meth addicts than any other in the country. “Pollsters tell us that one in five voters is, has been, or will be a meth addict at some point in their lifetimes. That’s a voting bloc too big for us to ignore.”