Sweet Home Mausoleum

MANILA (Reuters) - In the crowded sprawl of Manila, the living must compete for space with the dead.

For years, Manila North Cemetery, a public graveyard in the center of the capital of 12 million people, has been a thriving community for those evicted from their homes or flocking from the provinces for better opportunities in the big city.

After being forced from their state lot beside the cemetery to make way for a new graveyard, Bernardino and her husband have converted her mother-in-law's mausoleum into a home for their two sons, their wives and children.

Living conditions are basic but the residents manage some creature comforts. Clothes hang from lines strung among the makeshift shacks and television sets flicker in a few homes with electricity stolen from nearby power lines.

Protect Yourself From Monsters

I don’t know how anyone could believe that monsters do not exist, and still be thrilled by monster stories. Monsters are very real, just looking at our current government should be proof enough.

• An evil dummy with an invisible ventriloquist
• Ogres behind the IM screens
• Ghouls in alleys

  
  

As I use to tell kids, the scariest hunted house in the whole wide world is the House of Representatives!

Where there is a skeleton in every closet

A monster under every legislative process

and where trolls roam free

Protect yourself this All Hallows Eve by knowing the tradition of protecting yourself against attacks.

Methods of protection vary depending on the type of monster you are dealing with. Some monsters can be scared away with a simple lawyer, whereas others can only be repelled by reciting your Constitutional rights in full and correct order. Calling the police to deal with monsters will not help because some of them are trolls disguised as police.

Below are ways to protect yourself from different types of monsters.

1) Vampires

Vampires come out only during court house hearings, courtroom legal proceedings and personal / employment accidents one minute after they happen. Depending on the type of vampire, they feed on a variety of junk food, 4 star restaurants and currency.

If you are bit by a vampire, you will either financially die or be sucked dry of the majority of your financial holdings and left to recover from your loss.

Vampires have an aversion to other vampires, garlic, and destitute economy environments. Wine rather it is good quality, bad quality or even holy wine will burn vampires, but it is not lethal to them. Vampires are already dead, so killing them is kind of an oxymoron.

You can ride yourself of a vampire in two ways: 1. Drive a quality drafted counter sue filing document through the heart when the vampire is sleeping or too enthralled in their draining of anther victim.

2. Expose the vampire to anther vampire with the imperfection of moral dedication to what is right and wrong.

2) Werewolves

Werewolves are most active during full moons and can only be repelled with cash, government assistance, cheap wine, beer or hard alcohol. If you are bit or scratched by a werewolf, you could become one, so try to stay away from them. If you fight a werewolf and the werewolf is injured or worst case scenario dies, it will revert back to its human form and this will cause you legal problems - you will be put in jail for murder and everyone will think your crazy… than you’ll turn into a werewolf. Make sure you befriend a vampire if you plan to go against one. A vampire will make up a different story for you because that is what they do.

3) Ghosts

Ghosts are spirits of people who have emotionally and or mentally died and don’t know they are dead. They’re not necessarily monsters but can be pretty scary, especially if you date one.

They come up to you and say, “GO OUT WITH ME!”. Ghosts are everywhere but you will find them mostly at bars, especially theme bars. Some can’t be seen until it’s too late. If you have a ghost in your life, they can be pretty difficult to get ride of. However, you can usually get the spirit to leave by pretending one of your friends is your new boy / girlfriend or by telling them you’re married. If that doesn’t work, try burning a smudge stick and blowing the smoke in their face.

Don’t smoke a clove cigarette, they’re attracted to the cinnamon scent. If you encounter a ghost you have never seen before, cover your eyes or put your jacket over your head. If you can’t see it, it can’t see you.

4) Boogieman

Unlike the boogieman of yesterday, boogiemen have adapted and evolved into a more modern scary. They use to just sneak in under the bed or hides in the closet, not any more! Now they have learned how to drive and hide among unsuspecting drivers on the highway and on side streets where police don’t see them or know they’re there.

The only protection against a boogieman is stay calm and ignore them. DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT engage in any communications with a boogieman; they feed on communications of all kinds but especially angry emotional communications. Boogiemen no longer say just BOO! They can physically harm you – stay away and ignore them.

5) Demons

Demons are agents of the devil himself. They usually manifest themselves by wearing 3 piece black suites that look like all the other demons. To identify a demon or someone who is possessed by a demon, look for the following characteristics:

Levitating ear pieces

Puking non emotional patterns of speech about law

Spinning their heads from side to side

Talking an alien language at a speed that would be shocking even to a car public sale auctioneer.

If someone is possessed by a demon, get a vampire with the imperfection of moral dedication to what is right and wrong. Do not attempt to perform the vampire exorcism yourself.

6) Orges

Ogres are big ugly creatures who live in dive bars or other dank places and are very mean. Occasionally an ogre will leave their foul spaces to seek the prey of unsuspecting single people; mostly women. Eradicate the ogre by assembling an angry mob of intellectuals with dictionaries, books with no pictures, and revolutionary ideas.

7) Dragons

Dragons are larger than life creatures that spit fire in the form of doomsday predictions. They are rare creatures of today but they still exist and can be seen from time to time in metropolitan cities. Do not approach a dragon. This will only challenge the dragon to battle which feeds their spit fire. Enlist the help of a professional dragon slayer. Check the Yellow Pages for listings.

The Only Man In The World Happy About Airport Security

Donald Church of Seattle, Washington, has airport security to thank for discovering a 13 inch blade which surgeons left in his stomach two months earlier after a tumour op. If not for airport security he would still be walking around with it inside of him. He won his case in Seattle, and his lawyer said: “It was the equivalent of missing a truck parked on your front lawn.”

Be A Zombie!

You want grey stage theater makeup such as http://www.bennye.com - Ben Nye Stage Make up, they’re products can be found at a variety of specialty shops. Ben Nye even has a Zombie Green Lipstick available. They’re my favorite for any kind of reliable quality lasting make up for costume effects.

Even though Green is the more traditional zombie color I recommend a light grey / blue because that is the color of dead guy skin… How would I know? My ex-boyfriend is a living zombie with the exception he works, but nevertheless, still a zombie.

Use a natural makeup sponge to lightly dab the grey / blue color base make up around your face but don’t cover every little spot. You want to blend in the color and add on a little here and a little there. You don’t want it in chunks but you also don’t want it to be perfectly smooth either. Remember your dead and have been in the ground for a while so you don’t have perfect skin. You'll end up with a creepy rotting flesh effect that will have natural-looking light and dark areas. You don’t want a painted on look otherwise it will look shiny or plastic or it will just look like make up. Don’t forget to get your neck and ears too and blend it in with the rest of your face. The make up for your neck should be at least 4 inches below the collar of your shirt / top.

Lipstick

You can use either Ben Nye’s Green Zombie or use a light blue grey lipstick. You’ll probably find these at the 99 Cents stores. However they won’t last long so use a lip stick sealer as a top layer.

Shadowing

It has been recommended that this part be done near a bright light source so you can add the proper shadowing. The light will show you the shadow areas. To shadow, take a darker color than the foundation and apply it where to the shadow areas. Your eyes should look shallow and you can use a darker grey or light black eye shadow to give yourself the “from the grave” look. If you do your hands, only do the top parts and leave the palms alone. The make up may rub off or drip with sweat if you’re dancing.

Hair

Do the messy look. A variety of online pictures can help you with a stylish messy look but you can also just mess up your hair and put in a little gel to keep it looking ghoulishly messy. Anther idea is if you’re going to be wearing what you wore at your funeral, you can go with a messy braid or bed hair if you’re women or just run your hands you’re your hair and mess it up a bit for men.

Nails

Paint your nails a very light yellow if you can find that color in nail polish. Grey will also work.

www.zombiepinups.com/ - Zombie Pin Ups. If you want a few original pictures to inspire you, take a look at Zombie Pin Ups where you can see some of the sexiest zombies undead. Click on Pin Ups.

Clothes

You can go as simple or as stylish as you like. There are so many variations that I’m just going to say “use your imagination.” Here is a couple of idea though to get you started.

A long sleeved (unless you want to do makeup the arms) t shirt or a dress shirt you no longer want and rip it but make sure not to rip it too much. Torn up jeans or slacks will complete the look.

Thrift shores: The ultimate source for costumes.

NOW, the day of the event go to your local park and roll around in the playground dirt and grass… just roll around in it like you see dogs do. :)

That’s the fun version but in truth what you want is for your clothes to look dirty or from the grave. You can just smear some grass or clean plant soil on your cost clothes for the same effect; it’s just not as much fun.

Extra Zombie

Latex

Latex is a great effect but it is hot to wear and unless your use to working with it you may not get the effect you were hoping for. You can also have it professionally done or done by someone who has done it before for a price. If you’re willing to go that route - 3 cheers for you! I love dress up and will also shell out a little money to complete a costume for a big event.

If you’re ambitious, you can apply the prosthetics / latex that they sell at Halloween stores and theater stores. Wash your face unbelievably well, then glue on the latex and then apply the makeup. However you don’t have the time or money the above is still a great costume.

Also see: http://www.career-opportunities.net