Online Humor: 2006-12-17

From December 22nd to December 26th

I will be on Holiday Vacation.

Where Are Your New Years Eve Party Plans?

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.
- George Bernard Shaw

This is probably going to be the best New Years Eve Party in Los Angels! I have my tickets! Only 4 tickets left.

DJ Xian

Alice in Wonderland, Hookahs, and 5 Kinds of Absinthe, Oh My!

The American Way

Miss USA Enters Pennsylvania Rehab

I predict that by 2010, if you haven't been to rehab (of some kind) by the time your 30, your a freak of (American) nature

I'm a freak :)

Miss USA Tara Conner entered rehab in Pennsylvania on Thursday, Donald Trump, who co-owns the Miss Universe organization, confirms to PEOPLE.

Conner is expected to stay at the facility for three weeks, according to a source.

On Tuesday Trump allowed Conner to retain her title despite allegations of drug and alcohol abuse, indiscretions with men and her apparent lack of reliability when it came to showing up at Miss USA-related events.

OK.....

Now while I am all for the rights and freedoms for everyone of everything believed and not believed... This was funny! I'm sorry, but it's a LMAO kind of funny.

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid things and act like a dumb ass.

........... ...So, He sent me."

Was the professor teaching a college course in Theology? I could see a discssuin being made out of his actions...

such as

OK class nothing happened, does this prove or disprove there is or is not a god.

Either way... LMAO... sorry, but he should have sorta seen it coming knowing a Marine was in his class.

Makes an American gurl want to cry....
in pride for her fellow American neighbors.

Pregnancy Tests – The Next Generation

Who ever made the new Clearblue Easy's digital pregnancy test commercial watched way too much Star Trek, The Next Generation. The commercial is even called Pee Ship and launches on December 26... Hmmmmm what exactly are they trying to say here?

Definitely a not-so-conservative take in an otherwise conservative category. Amalgamated created the campaign and RJ Palmer handled the media buy.

I'm not sure if there is a Jean-Luc Picard quote that would be fit for this commercial...The Pee Ship positions the stick as a technologically advanced spaceship that seperates and opens up in time to catch a healthy stream of space urine. Watch the ad here.

Nerd Love!
It's about time!

Australia - A 150-year old Australian public library has a brought new meaning to ‘true-romance’ in they’re introduction of speed-dating nights for lovers of classic books. The state library of Victoria in Melbourne introduced dating with a literary twist after the idea was raised at a staff party. Those who attend must bring a book they either love or loathe as a conversation starter, ensuring there are no uneasy silences during the series of five-minute dates.

"It's speed dating with books. It's designed to bring book lovers together," the library's project manager, Jackie Felstead.

The library's first event was quickly sold out with 52 book lovers taking part, and 13 couples linking up for further dates. It proved such a success that more speed-dating nights have been organized for 2007.

Felstead said books taken to the first dating night included

Several novels by Japanese author Haruki Murakami

Susan Fielding's Bridget Jones's Diary

The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams – WooHoo! Where do I sign up!

Did You Know?
95% of Americans had premarital sex

More than nine out of 10 Americans, men and women alike, have had premarital sex, according to a new study. The high rates extend even to women born in the 1940s, challenging perceptions that people were more "chaste in the past." That could be a good movie title, instead of Back To The Future, a remake could be called Chaste In The Past... Hopefuly Hollywood will be a bit smarter in choosing their leading lady. She would have to be in her early teens or from the Mick Mouse Club... Oh wait Britney admitted having premarital sex, never mind; there's always Nickolodian.

"This is reality-check research," said the study's author, Lawrence Finer. "Premarital sex is normal behavior for the vast majority of Americans, and has been for decades."

Finer is a research director at the Guttmacher Institute, a private New York-based think tank that studies sexual and reproductive issues and which disagrees with government-funded programs that rely primarily on abstinence-only teachings.So what they are saying is that teenagers are lying?! Shut Up!

"The data clearly show that the majority of older teens and adults have already had sex before marriage, which calls into question the federal government's funding of abstinence-only-until-marriage programs for 12- to 29-year-olds," Finer said.

Under the Bush administration, such programs have received hundreds of millions of dollars in federal funding i.e TAX PAYER'S MONEY! I Don't want my hard earned money to go towards useless programs that don't work. Put my money toward Education in not getting pregnant, preventing sexually transmitted diseases and career education for those who are already parents.

The report continues by saying (and I love this part) "It would be more effective to provide young people with the skills and information they need to be safe once they become sexually active -- which nearly everyone eventually will." Lawrence Finer said.... No wonder this isn't a goverment sponsored research project... he''s intellgent, logical and in touch with reality.

The Other Side

Wade Horn, assistant secretary for children and families at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, defended the "abstinence-only" approach for teenagers. "One of its values is to help young people delay the onset of sexual activity," he said. "The longer one delays, the fewer lifetime sex partners they have, and the less the risk of contracting sexually transmitted disease."

He insisted there was no federal mission against premarital sex among adults. "Absolutely not," Horn said. "The Bush administration does not believe the government should be regulating or stigmatizing the behavior of adults."

CoUgH BULLSHIT! CoUgH

Horn said he found the high percentages of premarital sex cited in the study to be plausible...

However, Janice Crouse of Concerned Women for America, a conservative group which strongly supports abstinence-only education, said she was skeptical of the findings. "Any time I see numbers that high, I'm a little suspicious," she said. "The numbers are too pat."

“It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.”
Bill Watterson - American Author of the comic strip Calvin & Hobbes

I've fallen and I can't stop from getting it up!

LONDON (Reuters) - A devout Christian who said an accident at work boosted his libido and wrecked his marriage as he turned to prostitutes and pornography was awarded more than 3 million pounds ($5.89 million) in damages Tuesday.

Stephen Tame, 29, from Suffolk, suffered severe head injuries in a fall, transforming him from a loyal newlywed into a "disinhibited" character who had two affairs.

He was in a coma for two months after falling from a gantry while working at a bicycle warehouse shortly after his marriage in January 2002. Doctors said it was a miracle he survived.

Awarding him 3.1 million pounds in compensation at London's High Court, Judge Michael Harris said: "His life and the life of his young wife were shattered."

His former employer, Professional Cycle Marketing, of Essex, had argued through their lawyers that his injuries were not as bad as suggested in court.

Melancholy Christmas

"Holly Jolly Christmas" Based on the performance by Johnny Marks
"Melancholy Christmas" Parody by Dave Allman

HAVE A MELANCHOLY CHRISTMAS
Dave Allman (c) 2005

Have a melancholy Christmas;
It's the worst time of the year
Cash is low, and lines are slow,
The wife has lost all cheer.
Have a melancholy Christmas;
And when you walk down the street
Look away, the moods are grey
Just hope you don't get beat.

Old cans of Michelob
Underneath the tree;
Somebody drank them all;
Suicidally.
Have a melancholy Christmas,
It's the loneliness we fear,
Oh such folly, have a melancholy
Christmas this year.