Help Desk For Cars & Drivers
What if people knew no more about cars than they did they’re computers?
I used to take the bus and hated almost every single bus ride as I had to sit next to the religious fanatics and creepy guys hitting on me. If I was lucky I had to endure and offer a nod to the crazy broad ranting about our city government and how they are cloning us for pod experiments.
At best though, I had some funny stories to retell, such as the young single mother with three small children and wearing a “Who’s your daddy” t-shirt…I can’t help it… I just gotta say it again.
‘If you don’t know how the Hell are we suppose to know?”
Now that I’m a daily driver, I see how much easier taking the bus to and from work was. I’m selfish; I refuse to commute and stick to that promise by living relatively close to my employer. However, the drive still takes me directly through a traffic labyrinth.
Each morning, as I near the only turn in my route, drivers who have driven the same route countless times turn into pigheaded assholes. Sometimes, I will allow the jerks to pull in ahead of me into my lane. Other days, I don’t feel like being nice to someone who knows there are ten other cars behind me who have paeicently waited to make the same turn this pigheaded asshole wants without waiting in line.
For this particular turning lane you have to line up several blocks ahead of time, and once 7:30 am rolls around it's a pain in the ass. Yet people will cruise along in the lane beside it until they almost reach the actual turn and suddenly they start waving at the driver next to them pleading to “please let me in so I can turn” because “gee I forgot that’s the turn I needed lane.”
I’m calling your bullshit. I tend to be more aggressive behind the wheel and I see your car almost every single day when you pull this same scam every single time. See if the car behind me is a newbie.
That said, have you ever wondered why General Motors doesn't have a "Help Desk phone line"? It’s because people are more fanatic about they’re cars than they're computers - but imagine if they were not car fanatics...
(the following was found online) -Automotive / Mechanical Careers
Helpline:
"General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
Customer:
"I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
Helpline:
"Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"
Customer:
"What's an ignition?"
Helpline:
"It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
Customer:
"Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
Resistance Is Futile
Next Call
Helpline: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
Customer:
"My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
Helpline:
"Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer:
"How do I know?"
Helpline:
"There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"
Customer:
"I see an 'E' but no 'F'."
Helpline:
"You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'."
Customer:
"No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'."
Helpline:
"A 'V'?"
Customer:
"Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."
Helpline:
"No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."
Customer:
"That steering wheel thingy -- Is that the round thing that honks the horn?"
Helpline:
"Yes, among other things."
Customer:
"The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
Helpline:
"It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
Customer:
"What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
Next Call
Helpline:
"General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
Customer:
"Your cars suck!"
Helpline:
"What's wrong?"
Customer:
"It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
Helpline:
"What were you doing?"
Customer:
"I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't even start up!"
Helpline:
"I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product."
Customer:
"Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did -- now the damn thing's crashed."
Helpline:
"Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?"
Customer:
"What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!"
Helpline:
"Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"
Customer:
"How do you do THAT?"
Helpline:
"You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."
Customer:
"Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know."
Helpline:
"Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"
Customer:
"I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"
Helpline:
{click}
Next Call
Helpline:
"General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
Customer:
"Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
Helpline:
"Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
Customer:
"How do I work it?"
Helpline:
"Do you know how to drive?"
Customer:
"Do I know how to what?"
Helpline:
"Do you know how to DRIVE?"
Customer:
"I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"
Feel Free to add to this
Labels: cars, drivers, dumb drivers, Help Desk, help desk humor
